Lessons From My Therapist: When You Give Your Ex Another Go

My friends navigating your 30’s, this week I learned a dating truth which was absolutely life changing for me, so here it comes, in the hopes that it can be life changing for you as well: if you date an ex, 99% of times it will end just as it did the first time.

I now call it ‘The Rule of the Circle’.

Bottom line is, if the variables haven’t changed, it’s like hopping on a marry-go-round, you will end up in the same exact place where you started off.

My therapist told me that, considering the intelligent woman I am, she just doesn’t understand how I just don’t see patterns. Apparently she’s been waiting for me to see them and act upon them but I never seem to notice they exist.

Does it sound familiar?

Last week she uncovered an unknown pattern (which, now that she has pointed it out, seems so blatantly obvious). Before I tell you about it I want to clarify that I proceeded to call four close friends to see if they had seen it as well. Apparently, everyone but me was aware of this specific pattern in my dating life: if you go back and date the same person again, chances are, you will re-live the same exact relationship and it will end in a similar — or in the same exact — way despite the enthusiasm and promises such as ‘I have changed’ or ‘I finally realised’ or ‘it was you all along’ gathered ahead of beginning n.2 (or 45 whichever one you are currently at).

My patten goes like this — check it out in case it applies to you too:

1. One of my exes calls to let meet know that they have never dated someone as wonderful as me, they go out of their way to convince me we are meant to be, that we should have been the ones who made it all along, or simply they will create a romantic moment which makes me believe all over again. Fundamentally something has changed: their realisation that we are a ‘we’ potentially forever.
2. My brain automatically plays a video in my head entitled ‘all and only the positive and amazing moments you shared with this person’ and my heart says, yes, we should give it a shot and go all in. Well, ideally I want to go about it one step at a time but let’s be realistic, it’s called falling in love not gently reclining into love.
3. Initially it all seems to go well but shortly after things end. Shocking fact: the outcome repeats itself over and over and over again, hence ‘The Rule of the Circle’.

So when is it not suicidal to date an ex?

First of all, when he or she has done extensive work on themselves.

Here’s a quote that’s very popular in the coaching world:

‘ You don’t learn from experience but from reflecting on experience.’

– John Dewey

This quote is actually true. People don’t change over the years because they underwent tough experiences, they change because they took a moment to stop and analyse what they just went through, what it meant for them and actively did something about it. I mean through actual actions, not just in words.

Breaking news: people don’t magically change. Making changes to how we behave or to what we believe takes some serious work and as such, few of us are actually willing to go out there, make ourselves vulnerable, open that drawer we have kept locked up for years, pull everything out, clean it properly and put everything (or almost) back in order, so that we can find what we need when we need it and so that we no longer experience anxiety when we open that drawer.

Note to those who, like myself, have a ‘nurse complex’, (otherwise known as the do-gooder, the Florence Nightingale Syndrome or the Saviour Complex): you cannot change the other person, you can only change yourself. You also cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, do not fool yourself. How do you know if they want to be helped? They will ask you for your help. Anything else simply does not count.

Point number two, you need to have done the work you needed to do to be a healthy and stable human being. Le’t be frank, if things didn’t work out chances are you needed to do a bit of work on yourself as well. Yes, even if the problem is that you were ‘too nice’ or ‘too available’. Bottom line is: the dynamics between you two was not working, it means that who you were at the time, plus who he/she was at the time, was clearly not working.

This is true even in the case of my last ex who said I was the most wonderful person he’s ever dated. It’s not about how amazing you can be, it’s about how authentic you are, whether you are communicating how you feel, what you want from that relationship and whether that is actually happening.

Thirdly, you may need to change the way in which you communicate. In order to get what you want, you need to ask for what you want. If you maintain a kind and cool type of communication, an ‘all is good nothing bothers me’ approach, or a ‘we are friends but also sleeping together’ approach, chances are you will not move forward into any other chapter. You will remain stuck right there. If you are on the other end of the spectrum, jealous or aggressive, you will need to learn to stop and listen. Bottom line, if you want things to be different, be clear. Set boundaries that feel healthy for you and hold your ground instead of holding back or exploding when things are not working out.

Bonus piece of advice: listen. If the person says they are not ready, or they don’t want to make that kind of commitment, chances are that commitment won’t come into play tomorrow, it will not increase with your kindness and devotion, in fact, that underwhelming level of commitment is unlikely to change at all. That is why, before you jump back in, it’s important to listen to what the other person wants and needs rather than be floating in that cloud called ‘unicorns, hopes and dreams’.

So should we give our ex another go?

Let’s be honest, it’s easier to move in chartered territory than meet someone brand new, make ourselves vulnerable, open our hearts, tell our stories all over again and see if it works out. That feeling of ‘home’ you have with an ex is rarely recreated in a brief amount of time with someone new.

That said, when dating an ex chances are the rule of the circle will apply and you will end up in the same place where you started off, as people who knew each other in the past.

You can’t control your emotions and at times you may decide it’s worth to give it another try, I know I have. However, from now on I will remember four rules to avoid wasting my time and heart:

1. They need to have worked on themselves. If he/she was avoidant, chances are they still are. If they were scared of commitment and haven’t turned this around with the aid of their own therapist, they will still be scared of commitment once the relationship becomes increasingly intense. If there were behaviours that were not working , chances are they are still there if they have not been properly addressed.
2. I need to have worked on myself. What have I learned from my previous relationship? What’s changed? What do I want to do differently and what do I need that was not there in the first place. Pause the ‘best of’ video and reflect on what that relationship actually was, no pink lenses, objective thinking cap on.
3. Goals and changes need to be clear. No more mixed messages, no more condoning bad behaviour. If something is not working, I will communicate it and act accordingly. I am looking for a relationship and I am allowed to express this and choose to do so.

Bonus advice: listen. Don’t assume you know what they think, feel or want, really listen to what they are saying, chances are, it’s true.

This said, I feel like I am ready to date…yes, but date someone new.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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